Start by mixing the thick soy sauce, light soy sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, shallot oil, and pepper in a small bowl. If you’re adding chicken, combine hoisin sauce, honey, oyster sauce, thick soy sauce, and five-spice powder, then coat the chicken evenly. Cook it in a pan until golden brown and set aside.
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and cook the noodles until just al dente. Reserve a tablespoon of the cooking water before draining. In the same boiling water, quickly blanch the Chinese kale for 30 seconds — it should stay bright green and crisp. Drain everything well.
In a hot skillet or wok, add your drained noodles, then pour in the prepared sauce and reserved noodle water. Toss everything together quickly so the sauce coats the noodles evenly. Add the kale, pickled jalapeño, and fried shallots. If using chicken, slice it and toss it in now. Stir-fry for a few seconds more, then remove from heat.